When the Patriots square off against the Los Angeles Rams in Super Bowl LIII on Sunday night (February 3), it’ll be exactly 17 years, to the day, since an unknown back-up quarterback with a dimple in his chin and a fire in his eye led a rag-tag group of veterans to the promised land over “the greatest show on turf”, then the toughest thing coming out of St. Louis, in Super Bowl XXXVI. (For the record, Super Bowl XXXVI should be considered the greatest Super Bowl of all time. There was Tom Brady and Kurt Warner, the Pats were introduced as a team to symbolize unity after much pushback from the NFL, and Bono revealed an American flag on the inside of a leather jacket that was probably made out of dragon skin or some shit during what has to be, hands down, the most timely and intense halftime performance to date. It reigns fucking supreme.)
Anyway, the dimple is still there today, now covered by greying stubble, and the fire is as intense as ever — and there’s no doubt that Tom Brady is ready to start the blitz for six. But there are still a lot of important questions that remain unanswered as we near the big game:
Will this be Brady’s last game? Will Rob Gronkowski hang up his size 16’s after the clock hits zero? Will Bill Belichick ever crack a full smile?
Even with these looming uncertainties, everyone in Patriots nation is ready to run through a goddamn wall right now, and those who are gearing up for the game in the comedy community are no exception.
We caught up with some of the Patriots’ funniest fans (and one sorta-kinda Rams fan who turned out to be more of a Tom Brady fan in the long run) to answer some light-hearted, less pressing questions to weigh in on what they think is about to go down in Atlanta come Sunday night.
What are your initial, overall thoughts on the Game?
Robert Kelly, Patriots fan since birth: “If the Patriots don’t win this game, it means the illuminati is fucking present. It would be a perfect ending too, if this is the last Super Bowl for Brady. Say this is the last one, when you came in against the Rams, and then going out on top against the Rams. Brady will have six rings, so he’ll be matching Jordan, and that means you’re definitely the GOAT.”
Brian Glowacki, Patriots fan since fat kids starting eating at his house on Sundays: “Judging by every shred of evidence this team has ever given us, it’s gonna be down to the wire, a real nail-biter, and we’re all gonna have four heart attacks over the course of the night, and then we’ll pull it off at the last second.”
Dane Cook, born-and-bred Boston sports fanatic: “You don’t want to feel like the other team beat themselves, so I go into these games trepidatious. I don’t believe in jinxes or curses, but I do look at it in terms of it being a clean slate. We have to make sure that all the schemes and strategies that got us there get us through one more game. For me, it’s a more convoluted day and game, jut a totally different pace, and you need to be a team that has been there, and understands the situation, and we have been that team. I feel like it’s the Patriots’ game to take if we play our best game.”
Randy Sklar, native of St. Louis, sports enthusiast: “I just can’t see the Patriots losing this game. Again, I like the Rams, and I think they’re a fun team, and I think Todd Gurley is one of the best running backs in the league, but they don’t have a good run defense. The Patriots are going to dominate the clock because they’ll just keep running it with White, Burkhead, and Michel, and that will allow for Tom Brady to make his passes.”
What will be score at the end of the game?
Robert Kelly: “We’re gonna win by a touchdown. Maybe two. Knowing the Patriots, we’ll get blown out in the first half, but then something will happen, like a fucking spaceship will land, and Brady will throw five touchdowns, and Gronk will catch one in his fucking face mask, then Edelman will flip into the endzone and catch one on the tip of his dick or something fucking ridiculous like that. For me personally, the best thing that comes out of these dramatic wins where the Pats shouldn’t have won, is the fan reaction videos on YouTube. It’s my favorite thing to watch a group of people in their own house as their team is about to beat the Patriots in the Super Bowl, just to have it snatched away from them at the last possible second, go fucking crazy. It’s the greatest thing on planet earth. Just hearing a baby crying in the background while some middle-aged asshole is screaming ‘FUCK… FUCKIN’ WHY?!?!’ and nobody is tending to the baby? Motherfucker, it’s my favorite thing.”
Brian Glowacki: “I never do score predictions, but I do think we will win by a field goal at the last second, in true Patriots fashion, and we carry Stephen Gostkowski off the field and into history. And if I can make a bold prediction, I’m calling it that the MVP goes to James Develin, the fullback.”
Lamont Price: “Selfishly, I want a blowout. I’ve seen the Patriots win five times, and I have yet to see the 45-10 drubbing where in the fourth quarter, the announcers are just talking about area restaurants like ‘it’s the fourth quarter, this game is pretty much garbage town, the fourth-string quarterback is in the game, and the Patriots have the ball, but have any of you guys eaten at Atlanta Johnny’s?’. That’s what I want. I don’t have anymore edges on my seat! I’m sick of sitting on the edge every Super Bowl. Belichick, if you’re reading this, you owe us all a blowout. Release the hounds!”
Dane Cook: “I feel like the way our defense plays, it’ll be a low-scoring, scavenger-type game, but then maybe it turns out to be a fling it and wing it-type game. I don’t know. I’m not gonna make a score prediction, but I’ll stand by my statement. If we are the prepared Patriots team that we seemingly have been week-to-week, through the Chargers game and then the game against the Chiefs, this is a perfect storm. Our team is stepping up in the best possible way at the right time.
Randy Sklar: “It’s gonna be close. I’m thinking it’ll be something like 37-34, or 34-28. It’ll be within a touchdown. I’m hoping for a good game, and I don’t want to see a blowout.”
Thoughts on LA’s reaction to having a pro football team?
Robert Kelly: “Nobody wants to see a parade in LA. The only parade you should have in LA, that everyone gets excited about is the gay pride parade, because it’s a fun fucking parade. I’ve been to it, and the best time you’ll ever have in your life, but nobody is gonna go to a Rams parade in LA.”
Randy Sklar: “To me, Los Angeles getting a football team is like London getting a football team. It makes sense from a business perspective, but who in LA was begging for a football team? There are so many transients here. To me, I feel like the Super Bowl is just one of three things that people in LA are going to do on Sunday, whereas in Oakland, people would sacrifice their firstborn to get to the game. There are some Eric Dickerson jersey-holding Rams fans out here that remember the Rams from back in the day at the Coliseum, but there’s never been a clear narrative. When the Oakland Raiders came down here and became the LA Raiders, it divided the city in a weird way. And then they brought the Chargers down here, and it just felt like they were diluting the Rams yet again.”
How long have you been a fan?
Brian Glowacki: “I started my life as Dolphins fan, because my Uncle was a Dolphins fan, and because the Patriots just sucked when I was a kid. But we used to have this thing in high school called the ‘big eaters club’, where all the fat kids would come to my house and watch the Patriots game and eat food we cooked on the grill, so I really became a real fan of the Pats when I was playing football in high school.”
Lamont Price: “I started watching sports religiously right smack dab in the middle of the Patriots being awful. We’re talking ‘90 or ‘91, when Rod Rust was the coach. You can’t have a name like Rod Rust and expect to win the Super Bowl. The universe just wasn’t set up for that.”
Dane Cook: “My dad was very athletic, so I feel like I was immersed into anything and everything Boston sports-wise, and became a fast fan growing up in it, and always having it be part of the structure of my career later on in life. When can I go to a game? When can I sit down and watch a game? Can I schedule this tour to start after the Super Bowl? Boston sports have always been an integral part of my life.”
Randy Sklar: “Being Michigan Wolverine guys, [twin brother, Jason] and I are Tom Brady fans. There is that built in sort of thing where we want him to be the best quarterback of all-time because it reflects well on our University that we love so dearly. So, even if the Patriots win, there’s a bit of joy in it for us… The Rams team has really kind of won me over after liking them in the late ’90s when they were in St. Louis, and being a little bummed that they left the city that I grew up in. I harbored a little anger toward them for that. But I really like Todd Gurley, the defense is great, Jared Goff is great, and so are the coaches.”
Thoughts on how the teams match up against each other?
Brian Glowacki: “I love this matchup because it’s old school rivalry stuff we’re talking about here. Boston and LA, two totally different groups of people. The people that love the Rams have had to endure so much uncertainty in terms of whether they had a team coming to the city or not, while we’re sitting here with the greatest coach and player that have ever lived. And aside from flirting with the idea of moving it to Hartford once, we haven’t had to deal with that kind of crap, and I think that makes the Pats just such a storied franchise. But Goff is nasty, the Rams just have nasty players, and while I don’t want to see Brady pass the torch now, it’s nice to see younger players coming up. Like with [Kansas City Chiefs QB] Pat Mahomes, it looked like he was gonna beat us, but then the old guy just does it again.”
Lamont Price: “Obviously, as a Patriots fan, I’d like the victory, but LA is a great team, and I’m scared of their defense. I think if we shut down Aaron Donald, and get it to the point where, at some point in the third quarter the commentators are saying something like ‘we haven’t said Aaron Donald’s name all night,’ and we can keep Brady clean, I think we can win. I mean, that’s super bias anyway, because I don’t there’s a conversation where any of us are like ‘I don’t know if we have a shot,’ but I think we’re still a team on a mission.”
Randy Sklar: “Sean McVay has never been to the Super Bowl. Jared Goff has never been the the Super Bowl. Aaron Donald has never been to the Super bowl, and neither has Todd Gurley. The nerves of the Super Bowl, will get to all the guys that haven’t played on this stage before, meanwhile, Julian Edelman will make some circus catch off the top of some other guy’s helmet. That’s just what they do because this isn’t really a big game for them. This is just what they do every year.”
Featured Lamont Price image by Jason Greenough; follow him on Twitter @DadBodVanilla.