Late Monday, the Twitter account for Tom Hooper’s Cats took to the social media platform and announced that Universal would be dropping a new trailer for the much-maligned and feared film on Tuesday morning. Immediately, all quarters of Film Twitter sighed, said “Ah Shit, Here We Go Again,” and began lacing up their Air Monarchs for the latest dunk contest to occur in the course of the marketing campaign of this film. We’re sure the most craven writers will be getting sponsored by Sprite at some point (imagine a digitally-recreated Roger Ebert asking you if you want a Sprite Cranberry, and despair), and those bold enough to cop for this garbage will be handsomely rewarded with the ratio that they are so deeply thirsty for. But enough about Film Twitter: This Cats trailer is genuinely terrifying, and we’re terrified that the Moms of America will drag us to see it this holiday season.
Take a look:
Well, this is just the worst, folks. Everything about this is so hideously misguided and awful — from the terrible casting (James Corden, please pull a Piers Morgan and go pollute your home country’s airwaves once again), to the ugly digital fur and the bizarre super-imposed faces on top of those CGI bodies — that we can’t help but be compelled by it.
If anything, it will make the holiday season interesting, at least, as, in between viewings of other more successful films, we can be reminded of what cocaine-induced fugue states can really do to a person, and since Robert Evans passed, those moments are slowly starting to become few and far in between.
In lieu of a plot synopsis (which, admittedly, would be hard to explain), here’s a whole bunch of facts about the movie:
“Oscar-winning director Tom Hooper ‘(The King’s Speech,’ ‘Les Misérables,’ ‘The Danish Girl’) transforms Andrew Lloyd Webber’s record-shattering stage musical into a breakthrough cinematic event. ‘Cats’ stars James Corden, Judi Dench, Jason Derulo, Idris Elba, Jennifer Hudson, Ian McKellen, Taylor Swift, Rebel Wilson and introduces Royal Ballet principal dancer Francesca Hayward in her feature film debut. Featuring Lloyd Webber’s iconic music and a world-class cast of dancers under the guidance of Tony-winning choreographer Andy Blankenbuehler (‘Hamilton,’ ‘In the Heights’), the film reimagines the musical for a new generation with spectacular production design, state-of-the-art technology, and dance styles ranging from classical ballet to contemporary, hip-hop to jazz, street dance to tap.”
Cats hits theaters on December 20. Could you imagine the Starlight Express movie they’d make if this thing is a success?