The world’s most boring trailer was released early on Tuesday, and we have a theory about it, crafted from anonymous reports that we didn’t just totally make up. The Peter Berg/Mark Wahlberg collaboration Mile 22 is actually a CIA-funded project designed to put viewers straight to sleep in the theater, so groups of federal agents can head inside the nation’s multiplexes and insert government-made chips into people’s necks so that they go out and buy more Nestle products — specifically the powdered substance known as Nesquik, which will lead to food riots all over the nation over the now in-demand chocolate milk drink, and force the FEDERAL GOVERNMENT to take over any and all chocolate milk production at a significant cost to the taxpayer. This is step one on the path to the NEW WORLD ORDER, folks.
Take a look at the fruits of the CIA’s labor:
You’re agreeing with us now, aren’t you? Why on Earth would anybody give a good goddamn about a Peter Berg movie after all the drivel that he’s shat out over the last few years? Why would people buy Marky Mark as an off-the-chain “Overwatch” agent? Why did they give John Malkovich that awful hairpiece? Why hire Ronda Rousey in the first place if you’re going to just relegate her to the supporting cast? And what dirt does the government have on The Raid: Redemption star Iko Uwais in order to get him to star in this drivel? The conspiracy knows no end.
Here’s a plot summary, if you feel so inclined to know more about your government overlords’ taste in plot mechanics:
“In a visceral modern thriller from the director of Lone Survivor, Mark Wahlberg stars as James Silva, an operative of the CIA’s most highly-prized and least understood unit. Aided by a top-secret tactical command team, Silva must retrieve and transport an asset who holds life-threatening information to ‘Mile 22’ for extraction before the enemy closes in.”
Of course, we could be wrong about all of this and Mile 22 could just be another boring, shitty movie that we’ve come to expect from Berg and Wahlberg, but we’re just trying to find meaning in all the chaos.
Find out for yourself when Mile 22 releases on August 3.