So, it seems Hollywood has rightfully realized that spring might not be the time for the public to make their wholesale return to cinemas, given the whole COVID situation, and some of the big studios have begun to delay their biggest films. We’ve done this whole song and dance a number of times already, so we figured that most of these delays would be somewhat short and hopeful — fall’s really not that far away, compared to earlier delays. What we weren’t expecting, this time around, was that the major studios would put together an all-star single in order to announce their new dates. With apologies to Da Bears, we present to you “The Release Date Shuffle.”
We are the Release Date Shufflin’ Crew
Shufflin’ around, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad, we know we’re good
Breaking your brain like we knew we would
You know we’re just shufflin’ for fun
Shufflin’ our stuff for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Release Date Shuffle
Well, they call me Morbius
And I like to suck
January 21, 2022 is now the date I fuck
Sony’s had the goal since Abe killed vamps
To give a Spider-Man universe an approval stamp
And we’re def doin’ this
Because we’re greedy
Sony is doin’ it to feed the nerdy
We didn’t come here to look for trouble
We just came here to do
The Release Date Shuffle
This is Last Night in Soho, and I’m world-class
Edgar Wright and I are gonna smash the glass
I scare all day and jump all night
I got to get ready for the Friday fright
October 22 is the date I now unfurl
I seem a little funky, so watch me whirl
There’s not one here that does it like me
My Release Date Shuffle will set you free
I’m Tom Hanks’ BIOS, I stop you cold
You ain’t seen shit from me, truth be told
I’ve been jammin’ in secret for quite a while
Doin’ what’s right and settin’ the style
Give me a chance, I’ll rock you good
August 13 is when I’ll hit your neighborhood
I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble
I just came to do the Release Date Shuffle
We are the Release Date Shufflin’ Crew
Shufflin’ around, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad, we know we’re good
Breaking your brain like we knew we would
You know we’re just shufflin’ for fun
Shufflin’ our stuff for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Release Date Shuffle
I’m the punky action flick Nobody
When I hit the screen, I drop lots of debris
April 6 you’ll have to wait until
I can’t dance, but I can definitely kill
Saul Goodman, I like to tease
I play so cool, I aim to please
That’s why I’m here all covered in rubble
To keep on doin’ the Release Date Shuffle
I’m Sony’s boy Uncharted, not one of a kind
The studios all love me
For my IP and video game grind
Tom Holland and Marky Mark, ya see
Broken-hearted our shareholders will be
February 11, 2022 is when I’ll flop
And some suckers’ cash will still drop
I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble
I just get down to the Release Date Shuffle
They say Morbius is our man
If Morbius can’t do it, I sure can
This is Ghostbusters 3, and it’s no wonder
I bust like lightnin’, trap like thunder
November 11 is when I’ll arrive as-is
This is for Ivan and Papa Bear Ramis
After 2016, I’m not here to feather any ruffle
I just came here to do
The Release Date Shuffle
I’m Cinderella, and I play it cool
Ain’t hittin’ on February 5 cause I’m no fool
I please the crowds and get on down
Everybody knows I don’t mess around
Camila Cabello can break ’em, shake ’em
Any time of day
On July 16 I’ll make ’em pay
So please don’t try to beat my hustle
Cause I’m just here to do
The Super Bowl Shuffle
We are the Release Date Shufflin’ Crew
Shufflin’ around, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad, we know we’re good
Breaking your brain like we knew we would
You know we’re just shufflin’ for fun
Shufflin’ our stuff for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Release Date Shuffle
The rabbit’s comin’, avoiding Lent
If the calendar’s empty
It can get bent
Peter Rabbit 2 will move from Easter
Knockin’ June 11 on its keister
We may not be hittin’ Cannes
But you better start makin’
Your Easter-in-June plans
But don’t get ready or go to any trouble
Unless you practice
The Release Date Shuffle
It’s No Time to Die here, Bond, James Bond
They call me “hitman”
Don’t know what they mean
COVID hits and watch me run
I’ve moved three times, one-after-one
October 8 is the new date
Then I’ll be over a year and a half late
Come on everybody let’s scream and pray
We’re goin’ to do one more Shuffle
Then it’ll end that day
You’re lookin’ at The Addams Family 2
I ain’t no rookie
I may be bad, but Sony’s no dumb cookie
You’ve seen me hit, I watched you run
When I hit October 1, we’ll have more fun
Oscar Isaac can dance, but that you won’t see
’cause I’m a sequel to a shitty animated movie
I didn’t come here lookin’ for trouble
I just came here to do
The Release Date Shuffle
We are the Release Date Shufflin’ Crew
Shufflin’ around, doin’ it for you
We’re so bad, we know we’re good
Breaking your brain like we knew we would
You know we’re just shufflin’ for fun
Shufflin’ our stuff for everyone
We’re not here to start no trouble
We’re just here to do the Release Date Shuffle