You’d be forgiven for thinking that, thanks to America’s Wicked fever at the moment, people were just singing the Munchkins’ anthem from the original Wizard of Oz last night after the Super Bowl because of a giant group watch-a-thon that viewers decided to hold instead of watching the Chiefs win another title. But you’d be wrong. They were singing “Ding dong, the Chiefs are dead,” because Jalen Hurts and the Philadelphia Eagles killed their chances at a three-peat in one of the most flat-out embarrassing losses a team this storied has seen in the Big Game.
Sure, Peyton Manning might have had a worse QBR in one of his latter-day losses with the Broncos, but Patrick Mahomes — the LeBron in the “James vs. Jordan” argument consuming the NFL’s GOAT — finished the game with an 11.7 out of 100. That’s fucking terrible, and it was hilarious.
But the Eagles were badass — their defense had more sacks than they allowed first downs, and Hurts threw bombs so smooth that Nike broke out the Teddy Pendergrass for their post-game ad — and so they deserve every single one of our congratulations on the championship, and, more importantly, our thanks for ending our long national nightmare.
As usual, however, while we were sweating our 10-leg parlays, we were more concerned with the trailers for upcoming movies that were shown throughout the Fox broadcast (and man, you better bet Tom Brady allowed himself a single carb following that broadcast in celebration of his status as GOAT cemented), and we also took the temperature of the room at our Super Bowl party. Pulled pork, buffalo chicken dip, Coke Zero, and… the Smurfs. Yeah, it was a weird year (just ask the Seal Seal in the Mountain Dew ads). Honorary shoutout to Puppy Bowl MVP Superman, and man, we wish Warners had shelled out some dough to broadcast your new teaser during the game in which the Big Dawgs play.
So, here they are, ranked from “man, I really should have gone to the bathroom during that” to the ones that silenced the room at the packed party:
Smurfs
If we had a noise-measuring machine, we’d wager that this spot got about as many groans from the crowd gathered at our party as the ChatGPT ad or the Gemini one — that’s right, Paramount, people hated your take on Peyo’s creations so much they nearly became Luddites. We’ll never quite understand why people keep making Smurfs movies in the first place, but surely they can be better than this. “Zendaya is Meechee,” meet “Rihanna is Smurfette.”
Novocaine
Well, congratulations, Novocaine: Typically, you’d be first on this list just because you’re coming out in a few weeks, but that dogshit above pushed you a spot ahead. It still looks like a decently fun action movie (even though we can’t forget how terrible the premise is for those suffering from a similar condition in real life), so, Novocaine, even though nobody watched you at our Super Bowl party, our crowd will most likely check you out in theaters later on in the spring.
Thunderbolts
After watching this (the TV spot, not the full trailer Disney dropped at the same time), the whole party had a single question: “Why didn’t they promote Fantastic Four instead?” It’s true: Disney’s put themselves in a bit of a bind by having two blander projects before their true juggernaut, so we’ve got to watch the D-Team faux-Avengers take on Bill Pullman’s kid before we can get to anything cool. They’re really hoping people liked Black Widow, the Disney+ shows, and Elaine’s cameos in a couple of post-credits sequences. At least they’ll be the Dark Avengers by Doomsday so we can get rid of this asterisk bullshit.
Jurassic World Rebirth
Surprisingly, this teaser lacked cool imagery for a Gareth Edwards project. Sure, they’ve got legit star power here in Mahershala Ali and ScarJo, but people don’t give a fuck who stars in a Jurassic Park movie. They like the dinosaurs. So, our party reacted with a ho-hum sense of “Well, it’ll probably be cool” and “Sure, those are actors we like, so we’ll go see it.” It got the job done, though, so perhaps less is more.
Lilo and Stitch
As much as we (and the party at large) detest Disney’s live-action remakes, this was a pretty cute tribute to the wild and wonderful antics of animals on the football field and cart-related accidents over the years (they even got the angles right on that last one, which was a nice touch). Stitch is still a cute monster design, and his gibberish is perpetually endearing, even if we don’t really care too much about the final product. A solid showing, and cheers to Troy Aikman and Joe Buck for doing some great mic work.
M3GAN 2.0
Normally, we’d place an ad this ferociously ugly near the top of our worst-to-first list, but our favorite absurdly creepy dancing robot showing up right when the game got boring brought some life back into the room once it became clear that the Chiefs’ carriage had turned into a pumpkin. Your AI overlords apparently love Chappell Roan, so we know precisely what the superintelligence will eliminate when the singularity happens: All mentions of “brat” and “summer.”
How to Train Your Dragon
The parents at the party were stoked about this one, and we get it — when your alternative is Smurfs, a live-action adaptation of a reasonably beloved recent franchise is a breath of (recycled) fresh air. And the central dragon, Toothless, still looks as precious as he did when those movies first appeared a decade ago. So, congrats, HTTYD, you’ve walked away with the coveted “Parent’s Choice Award,” so check your mailbox for a case and a half of Sleepytime Tea.
Mission: Impossible — The Final Reckoning
Honestly, these first two spots are interchangeable, depending on how much your specific party likes Tom Cruise (ours loved some Tom). But what’s undeniable here is that Tom Cruise is doing his best to make this a truly memorable final outing for Ethan Hunt and company — just look at that wacky, wacky plane stunt. His intro to the game was funny as hell as well (it’s hard not to think of Magnolia when he does promotional speeches), so we’ll put this up as one of the two true-blue Ws during the broadcast. Also, that full IMAX ratio reveal at the end was a premium-format chef’s kiss.
F1
We get it, it’s kind of cool to dunk on Apple for spending so much money on a Formula 1 movie, but… it’s Joseph Kosinski making a movie about fast-moving vehicles. This shit is pure fucking adrenaline, and we’re hyped to see Brad Pitt send Max Verstappen back to Hasselt with his tail between his legs. The party did a “USA” chant so loud that the upstairs neighbors could hear it (though the noise complaints only came in after that DeJean pick-six, and the Philly fans at the party thought they could fight the cops and spend the second half in the drunk tank).