Before 2022, “Cocaine Bear” was just the moniker we used to describe a certain hairy-and-larger dude who seemed hyped up on something all the time at our favorite local gay bar (he always wanted to unintelligibly shout at us about something while we were trying to get down to Junior Senior at the ’00s night), but now Elizabeth Banks’ Cocaine Bear has come along to bring it from the metaphorical down to the extremely literal. What’s it about? Well, it’s about a bear who eats a whole bunch of cocaine and goes crazy, and, in an even funnier twist, it’s based on a true story. How’s that for a fucking logline, nerds? Anyway, you can check out the red-band trailer for the film which Universal dropped on Wednesday, and the reason we’ve bolded “red-band” is because it is NSFW and for whatever reason, doesn’t have the band or any features identifying it as such in the accompanying text, and we really, really don’t want you to get fired over Cocaine Bear unless you are the bear doing the cocaine.
Peep it:
Here’s a synopsis, but, again: Cocaine Bear. Do you need more? Seriously?
“Inspired by the 1985 true story of a drug runner’s plane crash, missing cocaine, and the black bear that ate it, this wild dark comedy finds an oddball group of cops, criminals, tourists and teens converging in a Georgia forest where a 500-pound apex predator has ingested a staggering amount of cocaine and gone on a coke-fueled rampage for more blow … and blood.”
Also, holy shit, we just noticed that this is one of Ray Liotta’s final films. Given that he was a participant in two iconic films about cocaine, it makes sense.
Anyhow, Cocaine Bear will rampage its way into a theater near you on February 24. We’d make a joke about you getting ready for it in some way, but the options we can think of will either lead you to get attacked like you’re Leo in The Revenant or you’ll attack someone like you’re the bear in The Revenant, and both of those are horrible.