Well, America, you’ve done it. You somehow managed to get Peter Billingsley back as Ralphie in a genuinely authorized sequel to A Christmas Story, as opposed to that direct-to-video sequel that came out a few years ago. No, this is a direct-to-streaming sequel titled A Christmas Story Christmas, which is about the worst possible title we could have imagined for this project, and Warner Bros. dropped a trailer for it earlier on Tuesday (November 1), since this is apparently the first day of the Christmas season if you work in, say, the retail section of a CVS.
Now unlike a lot of cool contrarian folks, we genuinely do not hate Bob Clark’s original film: It’s very funny, gleefully cynical, and we’re never going to hate anything that has our dude Darren McGavin in it. But holy fuck, it is almost as played out as any gag about Die Hard being a Christmas movie, and the volumes of just hideous merchandise one can find at any given store on December 26 makes us want to go back in time and rescue Christ from the crucifixion like that old MadTV sketch. But are we still probably gonna watch the original on Christmas before basketball tips off? Yeah.
Anyway, peep it and weep:
Here’s a synopsis:
“From Warner Bros. Pictures and HBO Max comes the family comedy ‘A Christmas Story
Christmas,’ the long-awaited follow-up to annual holiday favorite, ‘A Christmas Story.’ This time,
Ralphie is all grown up and must deal with Christmas and all that comes with it… as a dad. Peter
Billingsley returns to the role that has made kids of all ages anticipate Christmas morning like no
other.”
Normally we don’t post the full cast lists that normally follow these descriptions, but…
“Starring alongside Billingsley as Ralphie Parker are Erinn Hayes (‘Bill & Ted Face the
Music’) as Ralphie’s wife, Sandy; Julianna Layne (‘Prodigal Son’) as their daughter, Julie; River
Drosche (‘Miracle Workers’) as son Mark; Scott Schwartz returning as Flick; RD Robb returning
as Schwartz; Ian Petrella reprising his role as Ralphie’s brother, Randy; Davis Murphy (‘Looking
for Dr. Love’) as Delbert Bumpus; with Zack Ward returning as Scott Farkus; and Julie Hagerty
(‘Instant Family’) as Ralphie’s mom, Mrs. Parker.”
A Christmas Story Christmas will arrive on HBO Max on November 17. Something tells us there won’t be 24-hour marathons of this one in twenty years, though.