Speaking of things left to mold on shelves after Covid ruined 2020 for everybody, toys for Minions: The Rise of Gru have been slowly dissolving on shelves at your local big-box retailer for the better part of two years. The little fellows from Universal’s Despicable Me franchise are such a big box office boon for Universal that they punted this motherfucker straight into 2022 when it became even a vague possibility that a COVID variant might derail moviegoers’ best-laid plans (it didn’t, really). Now you’re finally gonna get a chance to check out this once-in-a-decade pairing of Jean-Claude Van Damme and Dolph Lundgren in this brand-new trailer, which Universal dropped on Wednesday. They deserve so much better.
Take a look (or avert your eyes like this is the Ark of the fucking Covenant):
Here’s what might be the funniest synopsis we have ever encountered online, which is the exact opposite of a Netflix elevator pitch:
“This summer, from the biggest global animated franchise in history, comes the origin story of how the world’s greatest supervillain first met his iconic Minions, forged cinema’s most despicable crew and faced off against the most unstoppable criminal force ever assembled in ‘Minions: The Rise of Gru.’
Long before he becomes the master of evil, Gru (Oscar nominee Steve Carell) is just a 12-year-old boy in 1970s suburbia, plotting to take over the world from his basement. It’s not going particularly well. When Gru crosses paths with the Minions, including Kevin, Stuart, Bob, and Otto — a new Minion sporting braces and a desperate need to please — this unexpected family joins forces. Together, they build their first lair, design their first weapons, and strive to execute their first missions. When the infamous supervillain supergroup, the Vicious 6, oust their leader—legendary martial arts fighter Wild Knuckles (Oscar winner Alan Arkin) — Gru, their most devoted fanboy, interviews to become their newest member. The Vicious 6 is not impressed by the diminutive, wannabe villain, but then Gru outsmarts (and enrages) them, and he suddenly finds himself the mortal enemy of the apex of evil. With Gru on the run, the Minions attempt to master the art of kung fu to help save him, and Gru discovers that even bad guys need a little help from their friends.
Featuring more spectacular action than any film in Illumination history and packed with the franchise’s signature subversive humor, ‘Minions: The Rise of Gru’ stars a thrilling new cast, including, the Vicious 6: Taraji P. Henson as cool and confident leader Belle Bottom, whose chain belt doubles as a lethal disco-ball mace; Jean-Claude Van Damme as the nihilistic Jean Clawed, who’s armed (literally) with a giant robotic claw; Lucy Lawless as Nunchuck, whose traditional nun’s habit hides her deadly nun-chucks; Dolph Lundgren as Swedish roller-skate champion Svengeance, who dispenses his enemies with spin kicks from his spiked skates; and Danny Trejo as Stronghold, whose giant iron hands are both a menace to others and a burden to him. The film also stars Russell Brand as Young Dr. Nefario, an aspiring mad scientist, Michelle Yeoh as Master Chow, an acupuncturist with mad kung fu skills, and Oscar winner Julie Andrews as Gru’s maddeningly self-absorbed mom.“
By the time you finish reading all that shit, Minions: The Rise of Gru will be in theaters, and you’ll look up from your computer screen looking like Robin Williams in Jumanji and look at your calendar: It’s July 1, and the Minions are calling. Better pick up that banana phone.