Well, that sucked.
No, we’re not being Patriots homers by saying that – what a shitty Super Bowl. The on-field product looked terrible (defensive masterclasses are the equivalent of an NBA Finals centered around “fundamentals” or whatever), the ads were almost all horrible, and Mike Tirico doesn’t talk enough in the broadcast booth, so we had to listen to Cris Collingsworth fill dead air for four hours. Here’s a guy who’s an insufferable color commentator: This was his vengeance on the football-watching populace, taken simply because he wasn’t able to call another Chiefs win. Bad Bunny was dope, though we have a boomer-ass take about the “cinematic” Super Bowl halftime that we’ll spare you.*
So, congrats to the Seahawks and the good people of Seattle: After watching the Thunder win their first championship, and the Mariners absolutely choke like the Knicks against Reggie Miller, they deserved a consolation prize, and that was watching Sam Darnold play four excruciating quarters of football. Of course, it’s not really like Bo “Thro Pix” Nix or Josh “Hey, at least I haven’t lost a Super Bowl yet” Allen or C.J. “Remember my rookie year? Remember?” Stroud would have done better than Drake Maye. Robert Kraft, if you’re reading, please send Josh McDaniels back to the Raiders. Surely you kept the receipt.
Anyhow, we’ll let you listen to 98.5 or whatever for more Pats hot-takes so that we can get into the real meat of this article – the trai- Actually, you know what? We can’t let this moment pass without reminding you of all those garbage AI ads, which couldn’t even muster up the energy to at least have Matt Damon give you a “fortune favors the bold” speech and instead chose to have Matthew Broderick sleepily tell people that they could have an LLM finish a spreadsheet for them. If you were speculating about an AI bubble, it’s hard not to see last night as a confirmation, given the levels of crypto-esque horrible branding and bullshit nerd fighting. It all feels like the Super Bowl directly before the FTX collapse: a show of force by an industry praying that you don’t look at their balance sheets before they can take the Ponzi public.
We’re done now, thank you. Anyhow, the trailers were about as good as Bad Bunny this year, the sole bright spots standing against the Legions of Slop brought to you by Silicon Valley and Seattle. Here they are, ranked from worst to first, with one key alteration: We’re ranking them as broadcast spots. Not teasers for full-length trailers or whatever – these studios paid millions of dollars for a thirty-second pitch, and we’re going to evaluate if that time alone would be enough to convince us to buy a ticket.
(* Imagine winning a ticket to the Super Bowl, getting a field-side seat at the 50, and having to watch the biggest entertainment half-hour of the year on your phone, because the view’s obscured by set dressings.)
Scream 7
Yeah, no. Just let it die, guys. We already did the “Neve Campbell is back!” cycle when the last one came out, and just bringing back everyone – Matthew Lillard, Scott Foley, David Arquette – from the dead isn’t going to solve shit. You blew it!
Minions and Monsters
Look, everyone! A Minion’s running at the screen! That’s the whole bit! He’s a small, little yellow fellow speaking gibberish! There are monsters! Instead of watching the trailer on YouTube or whatever, we imagine most viewers decided to get up for another brew.
The Super Mario Galaxy Movie
Yoshi? Yoshi! Yoshi Yoshi. Yoshi.
Project Hail Mary
Heavy emphasis on big, colorful imagery from the Ryan Gosling deep-space adventure, which certainly made OLED TVs pop across the country. So, sadly, it was brought down a bit by being both too close to release and by its use of more cross-medium backlink bullshit. Still, this looks like a very good time, though it sucks they gave up Rocky this early.
Hoppers
We’ve made no secret that we think this Pixar project looks like a lot of fun — it certainly isn’t a Toy Story sequel, given there’s little smarm and a lot of cartoon chaos. Good teaser, but a little too close to release to be properly exciting.
Supergirl
The Puppy Bowl counts. It’s a part of the ritual around The Big Game in enough households that we’re just going to say that it’s a pre-show, but like whatever dumb bullshit they did with Jason Garrett in the lead-up to kickoff. Anyway, Krypto the super-puppy!
Disclosure Day
This was the best of the “traditional” teasers, as we now know them: a nice suggestion as to what we’ll see from Steven Spielberg in a few months, with no “Watch the Full Trailer Now!” gimmicks, some good action, and an arresting image of that UFO in the clouds to end on.
The Mandalorian and Grogu
A really good concept, executed well – making fun of the Budweiser Clydesdales, with Tauntauns dragging Mando and Baby Yoda on a sleigh, is always a smart choice. It totally justified the price tag – a broadcast-exclusive gag without a heavy sales pitch or moronic humor. Good work, Disney. This was better than Book of Boba Fett.
The Adventures of Cliff Booth
Look, if you expected us to pick a different title for the number one spot, then this is probably your first time on this website, and welcome! But aside from it being the sequel to one of the best movies of the ‘00s, this trailer for the David Fincher/Tarantino/Brad Pitt epic was the one surprise during this Super Bowl. No lead-up, no pre-teasers, not even an official upload. Isn’t that what these things are supposed to be? Anyhow, it rocks.
* Imagine winning a ticket to the Super Bowl, getting a field-side seat at the 50, and having to watch the biggest entertainment half-hour of the year on your phone, because the view’s obscured by set dressings.