It took a naked (or, well, banana-hammock-sporting) John Cena for us to fully make this connection, but The Oscars have less in common with an event like the Super Bowl than with, say, WWE’s Royal Rumble. For those who don’t know, that’s a 30-man battle royal, where a new entrant to the contest arrives every few minutes. You get disqualified if you go over the top rope and your feet hit the floor. Pretty dramatic, right? We think it is, and it’s only fitting that we recap this year’s ceremony as if we were Jim Ross or Jerry Lawler behind an announcer’s table that hasn’t been crushed yet.
As expected, there were no swerves on Oppenheimer‘s road to glory: It took home the belt after eliminating nine other contestants, entering at number seven. By the time we shouted, “Bah god, that’s Mica Levi music — it’s Jonathan Glazer!” it was pretty clear that no other feature would have the muscle to hurl the atomic might of Chris Nolan’s epic onto the padded floor. If there was any surprise in this opening match, it was The Holdovers, who steamrolled Past Lives, American Fiction, and, shockingly, Barbie, before it got tossed out by second-place finisher Poor Things.
Most matches were squashes, with the betting favorite taking home the hardware. Cillian Murphy forced Paul Giamatti to tap out by putting him in a Fission Hold, Da’Vine Joy Randolph hit America Ferrera with a powerbomb to win her belt in a five-person match that took all of thirty seconds to end, and Robert Downey Jr. proved that he’s the heel of Hollywood (at least to Redditors) by forgetting to shake Ke Huy Quan’s hand in a move that would have made Gorgeous George think twice. Billie Eilish became the youngest two-time champion of the Best Original Song category for her contribution to the Barbie soundtrack, and even though Ryan Gosling had the rizz and style — the “Freshly Squeezed” chants were a nice move on the part of the assembled and sweat-stained crowd after he cut another iconic “I’m Just Ken” promo — he just wasn’t Kenough to overcome The Bad Guy.
But we’re sure there will be a few controversial finishes worth discussing. For one, the Best Animated Feature category saw Hayao Miyazaki triumph once again, this time at the expense of Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse, handing web-heads their first in-ring loss since Tobey Maguire went up against the “Macho Man” Randy Savage back in 2002. If one wanted to make money last night, that was where everyone should have laid down the mortgage. Godzilla: Minus One triumphed for Visual Effects, a heartwarming win for fans of the Green Giant and those who dislike labor unions. And, finally, in the one true upset of the night, Emma Stone defeated Lily Gladstone by pinfall to claim the Best Actress title, and interference by the refs was well-noticed by members of the crowd. How this finish will impact her storyline going forward is anyone’s guess. Still, Stone’s been associated with Heel stables in the past (La La Land, etc), so perhaps a full-on descent into “Hollywood” Hogan territory might be in the future.
Anyhow, that was a fun bit. We did alright with our picks this year, and we hope you enjoyed watching the Academy Awards with friends and family or some combination of the two, even if Jimmy Kimmel was hosting. Here’s the full list of winners and nominees, courtesy of Indiewire:
Best Picture
American Fiction
Anatomy of a Fall
Barbie
The Holdovers
Killers of the Flower Moon
Maestro
Oppenheimer (WINNER)
Past Lives
Poor Things
The Zone of Interest
Best Director
Jonathan Glazer (The Zone of Interest)
Yorgos Lanthimos (Poor Things)
Christopher Nolan (Oppenheimer) (Winner)
Justine Triet (Anatomy of a Fall)
Martin Scorsese (Killers of the Flower Moon)
Best Actress
Annette Bening (Nyad)
Lily Gladstone (Killers of the Flower Moon)
Sandra Hüller (Anatomy of a Fall)
Carey Mulligan (Maestro)
Emma Stone (Poor Things) (WINNER)
Best Actor
Bradley Cooper (Maestro)
Colman Domingo (Rustin)
Paul Giamatti (The Holdovers)
Cillian Murphy (Oppenheimer) (WINNER)
Jeffrey Wright (American Fiction)
Best Supporting Actor
Sterling K. Brown (American Fiction)
Robert De Niro (Killers of the Flower Moon)
Robert Downey, Jr. (Oppenheimer) (WINNER)
Ryan Gosling (Barbie)
Mark Ruffalo (Poor Things)
Best Supporting Actress
Emily Blunt (Oppenheimer)
Danielle Brooks (The Color Purple)
America Ferrera (Barbie)
Jodie Foster (Nyad)
Da’Vine Joy Randolph (The Holdovers) (WINNER)
Best International Feature Film
Io Capitano (Matteo Garrone, Italy)
Society of the Snow (J.A. Bayona, Spain)
The Teachers’ Lounge (İlker Çatak, Germany)
The Zone of Interest (Jonathan Glazer, United Kingdom) (WINNER)
Perfect Days (Wim Wenders, Japan)
Best Cinematography
Ed Lachman (El Conde)
Matthew Libatique (Maestro)
Rodrigo Prieto (Killers of the Flower Moon)
Robbie Ryan (Poor Things)
Hoyte van Hoytema (Oppenheimer) (WINNER)
Best Adapted Screenplay
Noah Baumbach and Greta Gerwig (Barbie)
Jonathan Glazer (The Zone of Interest)
Cord Jefferson (American Fiction) (WINNER)
Tony McNamara (Poor Things)
Christopher Nolan (Oppenheimer)
Best Original Screenplay
Samy Burch and Alex Mechanik (May December)
Bradley Cooper and Josh Singer (Maestro)
Arthur Harari and Justine Triet (Anatomy of a Fall) (WINNER)
David Hemingson (The Holdovers)
Celine Song (Past Lives)
Best Animated Feature
The Boy and the Heron (WINNER)
Elemental
Nimona
Robot Dreams
Spider-Man: Across the Spider-Verse
Best Visual Effects
The Creator; Jay Cooper, Ian Comley, Andrew Roberts and Neil Corbould
Godzilla Minus One; Takashi Yamazaki, Kiyoko Shibuya, Masaki Takahashi and Tatsuji Nojima (WINNER)
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3; Theo Bialek, Stephanie Ceretti, Alexis Wajsbrot & Guy Williams
Mission: Impossible – Dead Reckoning Part One; Alex Wuttke, Simone Coco, Jeff Sutherland and Neil Corbould
Napoleon; Charley Henley, Luc-Ewen Martin-Fenouillet, Simone Coco and Neil Corbould
Best Editing
Jennifer Lame (Oppenheimer) (WINNER)
Yorgos Mavropsaridis (Poor Things)
Thelma Schoonmaker (Killers of the Flower Moon)
Laurent Sénéchal (Anatomy of a Fall)
Kevin Tent (The Holdovers)
Best Production Design
Ruth De Jong and Claire Kaufman (Oppenheimer)
Jack Fisk and Adam Willis (Killers of the Flower Moon)
Sarah Greenwood and Katie Spencer (Barbie)
Elli Griff and Arthur Max (Napoleon)
Shona Heath, Szusza Mihalek, and James Price (Poor Things) (WINNER)
Best Makeup and Hairstyling
Luisa Abel, Jason Hamer, Jaime Leigh McIntosh, and Ahou Mofid (Oppenheimer)
Mark Coulier, Nadia Stacey, and Josh Weston (Poor Things) (WINNER)
Kay Georgiou, Sian Grigg, Kazu Hiro, and Lori McCoy-Bell (Maestro)
Karen Hartley and Suzi Battersby (Golda)
Ana López-Puigcerver, Belén López-Puigcerver, David Martí, and Montse Ribé (Society of the Snow)
Best Costume Design
Jacqueline Durran (Barbie)
Ellen Mirojnick (Oppenheimer)
Holly Waddington (Poor Things) (WINNER)
Jacqueline West (Killers of the Flower Moon)
Janty Yates and David Crossman (Napoleon)
Best Sound
The Creator; Ian Voigt, Erik Aadahl, Ethan Van der Ryn, Tom Ozanich and Dean Zupancic
Mission: Impossible — Dead Reckoning Part One; Chris Munro, James H. Mather, Chris Burdon and Mark Taylor
The Zone of Interest; Johnnie Burn and Tarn Willers (WINNER)
Oppenheimer; Willie Burton, Richard King, Kevin O’Connell, and Gary A. Rizzo
Maestro; Richard King, Steve Morrow, Tom Ozanich, Jason Ruder, and Dean Zupancic
Best Documentary Feature
Bobi Wine: The People’s President
The Eternal Memory
Four Daughters
To Kill a Tiger
20 Days in Mariupol (WINNER)
Best Documentary Short Subject
The ABCs of Book Banning
The Barber of Little Rock
Island in Between
The Last Repair Shop (WINNER)
Nǎi Nai & Wài Pó
Best Live Action Short
The After
Invincible
Knight of Fortune
Red, White and Blue
The Wonderful Story of Henry Sugar (WINNER)
Best Animated Short
Letter to a Pig
Ninety-Five Senses
Our Uniform
Pachyderme
War Is Over! Inspired by the Music of John & Yoko (WINNER)
Best Original Song
“It Never Went Away”— Jon Batiste and Dan Wilson (American Symphony)
“What Was I Made For?”— Billie Eilish and Finneas (Barbie) (WINNER)
“Wahzhazhe (A Song for My People)”—The Osage Tribe (Killers of the Flower Moon)
“I’m Just Ken”— Mark Ronson and Andrew Wyatt (Barbie)
“The Fire Inside”— Diane Warren (Flamin’ Hot)
Best Original Score
Jerskin Fendrix (Poor Things)
Ludwig Göransson (Oppenheimer) (WINNER)
Laura Karpman (American Fiction)
Robbie Robertson (Killers of the Flower Moon)
John Williams (Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny)