Well, that was some Super Bowl, huh? Who would have guessed that the entire game would have come down to a stupid penalty and Harrison Butker’s foot? Well, aside from everybody who watched the AFC Championship a few weeks ago, that is. Anyway, congrats to the Kansas City Chiefs, who now will have to contend with the fact that they’re one further win away from being the new Most Hated Team in the NFL (they tried to do that with the Seahawks, but Malcolm Butler had other plans). But we all know the reason for the season when it comes to the Big Game, and that’s all those wonderful commercials.
Or the lack of them, frankly. We’re of the opinion that Weather Tech won this year’s ad competition for just outright ditching the post-millennial irony and absurdist humor — God forbid an ad just be an ad these days — or maybe the Tubi commercials with the goofy rabbits, if we’re really hard-pressed to think of one from that latter category. But a decent respite from all the chaos came in the form of the movie trailers for various upcoming releases, which have, at least, the celebrity appearances already baked into their DNA. Here’s our ranking of the best ones — from least exciting to most — from Super Bowl LVII.
Ant-Man and the Wasp: Quantumania (February 17)
We’re ranking this so low because it’s coming out in theaters in four days. Like, come on, guys.
Scream VI (March 10)
Ghostface goes to New York, Neve Campbell decides she’s done with the franchise, and the last one was just pretty terrible all around: What is there to hope for here?
Dungeons and Dragons: Honor Among Thieves (March 31)
What’s kind of strange about this particular movie is how out of time it feels: Ask any person on the street if this movie had come out at some point in the last decade, and we’re pretty sure they’d say yes. Hell, we even think we watched this back in 2012. It’s a Mandela effect special.
Transformers: Rise of the Beasts (June 9)
It’s a Porsche ad inside a movie ad inside a toy line ad. If that doesn’t follow the Pimp My Ride ethos to a T, well, we’ve got a non-functional Hyundai with big rims, a crazy sound system and a DVD player to sell you. Bad news, though — there’s a copy of Jamie Foxx’s Stealth stuck in the drive. And the engine is still, somehow, on fire 15 years later.
Air (April 5)
You gotta admire the gall of Amazon plunking down however many millions to sell a Phil Knight movie in the Super Bowl only to be undone by the fact that when anybody says “Hey, you see that Ben Affleck ad?” they’ll be talking about Dunkin’.
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 3 (May 5)
Drax struggles with what we all struggle with at your local Super Bowl party: How the hell do you get comfortable on a couch like that? That’s the dangers of the street couch, y’all. Allston Christmas has plenty of dangers, but the least-obvious is the lack of comfort it provides.
Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny (June 30)
Sure, the de-aging tech looks weird and the entire thing barely looks like an Indiana Jones movie, given the digital cinematography, but we’re just amazed that this movie is actually coming out a full 15 years after the last one. Good God, how time flies.
The Flash (June 16)
Everything in the world is working against this movie — Ezra Miller’s off-screen issues, Warner Bros.’ financial situation, It: Chapter Two — but we are still gonna be totally real with y’all: We lost our goddamn minds when Michael Keaton showed up in the Batsuit. We aren’t totally immune to nostalgia bait.
Fast X (May 19)
Leave it to Vin Diesel to one up The Flash by blowing up the Hoover Dam at the end of their trailer. Our lizard brain desire for carnage and chaos was almost totally sated at that point.
Creed III (March 3)
Sure, it’s coming out in like three weeks, but we’re just so hyped to see Michael B. Jordan and Jonathan Majors square off, and this little tease just got our adrenaline pumping. Hell, maybe we’ll work off that pulled pork on the heavy bag this afternoon. Doubtful, but maybe.