Marloes’ new tune comes signed, sealed, and delivered — to herself.
Of all the diary-like confessionals out there, not many can call themselves true self-love letters à la “Waves,” the January single from the Boston artist and producer. The epistolary song reaches from Marloes’ present in Boston, back to her years growing up in the Deep South, when coming out as a queer and trans person didn’t feel like an option, let alone a safe one.
“I knew as early as middle school that I was trans, but there was no chance I was going to come out,” she tells Vanyaland. “There was lots of bigotry and ignorance, and people just didn’t speak kindly of queer people back home. It took a long time for me to really come to terms with myself, and it was prolonged by a lack of trans role models. I didn’t have anyone to talk about this with, and when I did eventually come out, no one really knew how to handle it. For all intents and purposes, I was alone for the majority of my transition.”
“Waves” re-writes that narrative, offering a reliable role model when Marloes needed one the most, albeit in retrospect. “Step outside / Enjoy the ride / I’ll be there / Come find me, baby,” she assures a past version of herself, cloaking her pre-transition years in encouragement and compassion. Marloes credits the late electronica pioneer SOPHIE with the inspiration for her use of modulation and effects, which helped her overcome vocal dysphoria while finishing “Waves.”
“In order to come out, I had to learn to love and accept myself as I am,” Marloes explains. “I’ve also always only really had myself, at least when it comes to my queerness, and I wish I had someone there for me saying the things I’m saying to myself in this song.”
She adds: “I think everyone just wants to feel seen for who they are, and I think I would’ve really appreciated someone appreciating me. I often felt so bad about myself. Not just for being trans, but also for being so depressed. I felt lazy, worthless. To have someone say, ‘hey, it’s okay, take your time,’ would’ve meant the world to me. Of course, I think I would’ve had some mixed emotions too. I grew up in a very conservative area, and while I consumed my fair share of queer media, I felt deeply ashamed of it and hid it. I’m sure I would’ve been conflicted if I heard this song [before my transition]; excited for what is to come, but scared, too.”
Perhaps that’s why “Waves” isn’t one of those aggressive, boilerplate self-care anthems that seems to scream “bath bombs or death!” Instead, it’s an outpouring of gentle, tender dream pop that ebbs and flows with grace, not unlike the ups and downs that accompany any kind of major life transition.
“The person I am today has always existed inside me in some capacity, but she often felt just out of reach,” Maloes says. “I wanted to capture that dichotomy: What is and what could be. For so long I was so depressed and insular. I may have understood myself, but I never fathomed that I would ever actually come out, and at a certain point I just decided to push down my queerness. I couldn’t, of course. She was always going to be there whether I acknowledged her or not. I wanted to validate those experiences in a way that no one else ever did for me. So, I’m trying to remind myself — then and now -‘ that it’s okay when things feel hard, when I’m apathetic towards everything. I will always be there for myself, I just have to get out of my own head and find ‘her’ — my ideal self — whenever I’m ready.”
Let “Waves” wash over your Friday afternoon below.