Despite no one stepping foot in one for several years, the world is spending a decent chunk of this week mourning the closing of Toys ‘R’ Us. Sure, it’s sad, because even though a mix of poor management, online shopping, and other factors have contributed to its demise, we all have childhood memories of walking through those jam-packed aisles of Capital-F Fun, buying Kenner Star Wars toys, Thundercats figures, Nintendo cartridges, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles playsets, Pogo Bals, M.A.S.K. vehicles, Madballs and Pound Puppies.
Oh wow all those things were on the shelves a really long time ago.
But still!
We were about to shrug this off as just another casualty of the 21st century, and go about our day with the usual indifference reserved for headlines like these — but then we heard a somber Toys ‘R’ Us jingle performed in a minor key, courtesy of Chase Holfelder.
And Jesus H Christ we’re now curled up like a small child crying in the bike aisle after our father told us we couldn’t take home that lime green Mongoose Decade we always wanted (thanks, dad). Holfelder’s rendition packs some hearty emotion, and we want to reach out to Geoffrey and tell him it’s all going to be OK.
It’s all going to be OK, won’t it?
No.
No, it won’t. Grow up at your own peril, because we’ll always be Toys ‘R’ Us kids.
:'(