By now everyone has weighed in on tonight’s Grammy Awards, and everyone is probably already wrong. Instead of wasting time on predictions and trying to guess out who paid the most money to win will be honored with a golden sippy cup, as Jay Z recently put it, we’re gonna just pick sides and reveal who we want to win. Life’s not fair, so odds are none of the V’s home team will score any gramophones, but it makes this bloated shitshow all the more interesting. We do have our favorites, as our daily coverage suggests, and we need something to pass the time between certain train wreck performances by Madonna, AC/DC, and that Beatle.
So, here’s who we want to win in each Grammy category, and why. Follow along with us via twitter @vMichaelv and @Vanyaland617.
(For the full list of Grammy categories, click here.)
:: Record of the Year
“Fancy” / Iggy Azalea featuring Charli XCX
“Chandelier” / Sia
“Stay With Me (Darkchild Version)” / Sam Smith
“Shake It Off” / Taylor Swift
“All About That Bass” / Meghan Trainor
V Verdict: “Fancy” has been in our heads all year long (and our love for Ms. XCX runs deep), but Tay Sway’s “Shake It Off” lives squarely in our hearts.
:: Album of the Year
Morning Phase / Beck
Beyoncé / Beyoncé
X / Ed Sheeran
In The Lonely Hour / Sam Smith
Girl / Pharrell Williams
V Verdict: A whole lot of DGAF here, but we’ll tab Beck because maybe he’ll bring the Grammy to town when he plays Boston Calling in May.
:: Song of the Year
“All About That Bass” / performed by Meghan Trainor
“Chandelier” / performed by Sia
“Shake It Off” / performed by Taylor Swift
“Stay With Me (Darkchild Version) / performed by Sam Smith
“Take Me To Church” / performed by Hozier
V Verdict: Perhaps the weakest Song of the Year category in hiiiiiiiiistory, we’ll stick with Swift. And seriously we don’t know how Sia keeps getting included in this shit.
:: Best New Artist
Iggy Azalea
Bastille
Brandy Clark
Haim
Sam Smith
V Verdict: Fine, Sam Smith. He’s gotta win something, right, and we can’t let the modern Rick Astley take home gold for that one song of his.
:: Best Pop Solo Performance
“All Of Me (Live)” / John Legend
“Chandelier” / Sia
“Stay With Me” (Darkchild Version) / Sam Smith
“Shake It Off” / Taylor Swift
“Happy (Live)” / Pharrell Williams
V Verdict: We’ve been getting down to this… sick… beat… for months, and we aren’t changing our tune. Also WTF is up with the “live” versions showing up here? If we’re going to start featuring live performances then it’s time to bring Manowar into the conversation. Death to false industry circle-jerks.
:: Best Pop Duo/Group Performance
“Fancy” / Iggy Azalea featuring Charli XCX
“A Sky Full Of Stars” / Coldplay
“Say Something” / A Great Big World With Christina Aguilera
“Bang Bang” / Jessie J, Ariana Grande & Nicki Minaj
“Dark Horse” / Katy Perry featuring Juicy J
V Verdict: We thought we’d be able to get on-board with “Fancy” here and show some love to our Song of the Summer (or was that “Boom Clap”?), but “Dark Horse” was the preferred jam of the Vanyaland 2014 road trip to Austin for SXSW and we believe wholeheartedly in that respected Super Bowl bump.
:: Best Pop Vocal Album
Ghost Stories / Coldplay
Bangerz / Miley Cyrus
My Everthing / Ariana Grande Prism / Katy Perry
X / Ed Sheeran
In the Lonely Hour / Sam Smith
V Verdict: About time Miley got some love outside of the MTV VMAs, and about time we updated our Miley watch. You do remember Miley Cyrus, don’t you?
:: Best Rock Performance
“Gimme Something Good” / Ryan Adams
“Do I Wanna Know?” / Arctic Monkeys
“Blue Moon” / Beck
“Fever” / The Black Keys
“Lazaretto” / Jack White
V Verdict: Another sad-ass category. Hard to give a shit here, but we’ll side with the Arctic Monkeys if only so Alex Turner can stumble through another speech about rock and roll like he did at last year’s BRIT Awards.
:: Best Metal Performance
Neon Knights / Anthrax
High Road / Mastodon
Heartbreaker / Motörhead
The Negative One / Slipknot
The Last In Line / Tenacious D
V Verdict: After years of campaigning, the Hockey Hall of Fame failed to induct three-time Staney Cup-winning coach Pat Burns before he died of cancer, and it was nothing short of a travesty. Let’s not pull that shit with Lemmy, who might not have much time left with us. And please for the love of God don’t let Tenacious D win.
:: Best Rock Song
“Ain’t It Fun” / performed by Paramore
“Blue Moon” / performed by Beck
“Fever” / performed by The Black Keys
“Gimme Something Good” / performed by Ryan Adams
“Lazaretto” / performed by Jack White
V Verdict: Ugh. Give it to White after the whole guacamole fiasco. He’s been through enough.
:: Best Rock Album
Ryan Adams / Ryan Adams
Morning Phase / Beck
Turn Blue / The Black Keys
Hypnotic Eye / Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers
Songs of Innocence / U2
V Verdict: This rock is a god damn pebble.
:: Best Alternative Music Album
This Is All Yours / Alt-J
Reflektor / Arcade Fire
Melophobia / Cage The Elephant
St. Vincent / St. Vincent
Lazaretto / Jack White
V Verdict: Feels like Arcade Fire or Jack White have this one locked up, but we’d love to see St. Vincent’s genius recognized.
:: Best R&B Performance
“Drunk In Love” / Beyoncé featuring Jay Z
“New Flame” / Chris Brown featuring Usher & Rick Ross
“It’s Your World” / Jennifer Hudson featuring R. Kelly
“Like This” / Ledisi
“Good Kisser” / Usher
V Verdict: Fuck Chris Brown.
:: Best R&B Song
“Drunk In Love” / performed by Beyoncé featuring Jay Z
“Good Kisser” / performed by Usher
“New Flame” / performed by Chris Brown featuring Usher & Rick Ross
“Options” (Wolfjames Version) / performed by Luke James
“The Worst” / performed by Jhené Aiko
V Verdict: See above.
:: Best Urban Contemporary Album
Sail Out / Jhené Aiko
Beyoncé / Beyoncé
X / Chris Brown
Mali Is… / Mali Music
Girl / Pharrell Williams
V Verdict: Fuck Chris Brown, hat trick edition.
:: Best Rap Performance
“3005” / Childish Gambino
“0 to 100/The Catch Up” / Drake
“Rap God” / Eminem
“I” / Kendrick Lamar
“All I Need Is You” / Lecrae
V Verdict: Complex has a great video illustrating the injustice of the Best Rap Category that deserves to be seen. Kendrick won us over at Boston Calling a while back.
:: Best Rap/Sung Collaboration
“Blak Majik” / Common featuring Jhené Aiko
“The Monster” / Eminem featuring Rhianna
“Tuesday” / I Love Makonnen featuring Drake
“Studio” / Schoolboy Q featuring BJ The Chicago Kid
“Bound 2” / Kanye West & Charlie Wilson
V Verdict: Eminem and Rhi Rhi are a force.
:: Best Rap Song
“Anaconda” / performed by Nicki Minaj
“Bound 2” / performed by Kanye West & Charlie Wilson
“I” / performed by Kendrick Lamar
“We Dem Boyz” / performed by Wiz Khalifa
“0 to 100/The Catch Up” / performed by Drake
V Verdict: WWCFD (What Would Chris Faraone Do)? Probably flip a desk.
:: Best Rap Album
The New Classic / Iggy Azalea
Because The Internet / Childish Gambino
Nobody’s Smiling / Common
The Marshall Mathers LP2 / Eminem
Oxymoron / Schoolboy Q
Blacc Hollywood / Wiz Khalifa
V Verdict: Going with Iggy here just watch the world explode. It’s the first real Sunday without football, so we need some drama. Maybe we side with Wiz Khalifa after he suddenly became the second-most-famous Khalifa out there. Not even Johnny Sins saw that coming.
:: Best Dance/Electronic Album
Syro / Aphex Twin
While (1<2) / Deadmau5
Nabuma Rubberband / Little Dragon
Do It Again / Röyksopp & Robyn
Damage Control / Mat Zo
V Verdict: Robyn forever and ever and ever.
:: Best Country Solo Performance
“Give Me Back My Hometown / Eric Church
“Invisible” / Hunter Hayes
“Automatic” / Miranda Lambert
“Something In The Water” / Carrie Underwood
“Cop Car” / Keith Urban
V Verdict: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
:: Best Country Duo/Group Performance
“Gentle On My Mind” / The Band Perry
“Somethin’ Bad” / Miranda Lambert with Carrie Underwood
“Day Drinking” / Little Big Town
“Meanwhile Back At Mama’s” / Tim McGraw featuring Faith Hill
“Raise ‘Em Up” / Keith Urban featuring Eric Church
V Verdict: We like day drinking so we guess that one.
:: Best Country Song
“American Kids” / performed by Kenny Chesney
“Automatic” / performed by Miranda Lambert
“Give Me Back My Hometown” / performed by Eric Church
“I’m Not Gonna Miss You” / performed by Glen Campbell
“Meanwhile Back At Mama’s” / Tim McGraw featuring Faith Hill
V Verdict: Give it to the dead guy. (We know Campbell is not dead.)
:: Best Country Album
Riser / Dierks Bentley
The Outsiders / Eric Church
12 Stories / Brandy Clark
Platinum / Miranda Lambert
The Way I’m Livin’ / Lee Ann Womack
V Verdict: If country is really the new EDM, then perhaps we should pay attention here. But to hell with all five of these artists and this stupid yee-haw trend.
:: Best Spoken Word Album (Includes Poetry, Audio Books & Storytelling)
Actors Anonymous / James Franco
A Call To Action / Jimmy Carter
Carsick: John Waters Hitchhikes Across America / John Waters
Diary Of A Mad Diva / Joan Rivers
A Fighting Chance / Elizabeth Warren
We Will Survive: True Stories of Encouragement, Inspiration, and The Power of Song / Gloria Gaynor
V Verdict: We should be giving love to local celeb Liz Warren, but Franco has been showing love to the Smiths lately and we’re easy like that.
:: Best Comedy Album
Mandatory Fun / “Weird Al” Yankovic
Obsessed / Jim Gaffigan
Oh My God / Louis C.K.
Tragedy Plus Comedy Equals Time / Patton Oswalt
We Are Miracles / Sarah Silverman
V Verdict: Not to be confused with the Best Rock Album category, this is Weird Al’s year, despite our local love for, and strong efforts from, Louis CK and Sarah Silverman.
:: Best Musical Theater Album
Aladdin / Original Broadway Cast
Beautiful: The Carole King Musical / Original Broadway Cast
A Gentleman’s Guide To Love & Murder / Original Broadway Cast
Hedwig And The Angry Inch / Original Broadway Cast
West Side Story / Cheyenne Jackson & Alexandra Silber With The San Francisco Symphony
V Verdict: When in doubt, go six inches forward and five inches back in the name of the mighty Hedwig.
:: Best Compilation Soundtrack For Visual Media
American Hustle / Various Artists
Frozen / Various Artists
Get On Up: The James Brown Story / James Brown
Guardians Of The Galaxy: Awesome Mix Vol. 1 / Various Artists
The Wolf Of Wall Street / Various Artists
V Verdict: We’ll assume Frozen goes ham on these categories, but Barry Thompson had the Guardians OST in his Best of 2014 and he’s usually right in year-end Best Of lists.
:: Best Score Soundtrack For Visual Media
Frozen / Christophe Beck, composer
Gone Girl / Trent Reznor & Atticus Ross, composers
The Grand Budapest Hotel / Alexandre Desplat, composer
Gravity / Steven Price, composer
Saving Mr. Banks / Thomas Newman, composer
V Verdict: Let’s go Reznor because we still remember this “heartfelt fuck you” rant after last year’s awards show. And because they haven’t created a Best Mashup Category yet.
:: Best Song Written For Visual Media
“Everything is Awesome!!!” / Track from The Lego Movie / performed by Tegan and Sara featuring The Lonely Island
“I See Fire” / Track from The Hobbit: The Desolation Of Smaug / performed by Ed Sheeran
“I’m Not Gonna Miss You / Track from Glen Campbell…I’ll Be Me / performed by Glen Campbell
“Let It Go” / Track from Frozen / performed by Idina Menzel
“The Moon Song” / Track from Her / performed by Scarlett Johansson & Joaquin Phoenix
V Verdict: Tegan and Sara because Tegan and Sara.
:: Best Music Video
“We Exist” / Arcade Fire
“Turn Down For What” / DJ Snake & Lil Jon
“Chandelier” / Sia
“Happy” / Pharrell Williams
“The Golden Age” / Woodkid featuring Max Richter
V Verdict: Now if it was the Northern Soul Girl version of the Happy video, we’d be willing to actually hear 15 seconds of that song again. But Arcade Fire’s video with Andrew Garfield in drag was pretty tight, and it make us think of Coachella, so rock out.
Follow Michael Marotta on Twitter @vMichaelv