5. “Brainfreeze,” Fuck Buttons (from Slow Focus)
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Fuck Daft Punk: these two dorky Brits should be at the top of the electro-robot pyramid. They have a better rhythmic sense, they have better melodies, and they make better electro-as-hard-rock albums than anyone going nowadays. This is the kind of music that they should play at planetarium laser shows instead of Pink Floyd; this is the kind of jam that kids should pass out in fields near ley lines to; this is the kind of tune that should be playing on Mount Olympus while a total eclipse of the sun causes the Earth to disintegrate.
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4. “Little Black Dress,” One Direction (from Midnight Memories)
The rest of the album is pure shit, but this tune is, for real, the best rock song of the year, if I’m being honest. I have no idea who they stole this from, or why they would even put a song so outrageously amazing on one of their records, but fuck it: when this guitar riff comes on, I’m a 1D-loving fool for two minutes thirty-eight seconds.
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3. “Per Aspera Ad Inferi,” Ghost (from Infestissumam)
The second part of their proposed triptych of records concerning the conquer of the world by Satan is less BOC-metal and more horror-movie-calliope waltz, but this anonymous Swedish collective (not to be confused with the other anonymous Swedish collective I have at number 7!) still knows how to mix breathless rock kicks with a dark wit and a malevolent pop/rock sense. Like so much in the Ghost canon, this track takes a Latin concept and adds “to Satan” to it, in this case positing the human experience as being not per aspera ad astra, or “through hardship to the stars,” but “through hardship to hell.” How clever! Luckily, the tasty riffage, laser-beam leads and glazed chorus make the whole thing less of a wink-fest and more of a mirror funhouse of rock/pop/metal genius.
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2. “You (Ha Ha Ha),” Charli XCX (from True Romance)
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2012 wound up not being her year even though a song she wrote, “I Love It”, wound up being the jam of the year and all when done by a bunch of Swedish where-are-they-nows; and who knows if anyone really noticed the sheer genius of this album-which-is-really-a-glorious-singles-collection. But fuck it all, because “You (Ha Ha Ha)” is the single brattiest, bounciest, attitude-having-est sassfest these ears have heard in what seems like aeons. It’s bitter, petty, vindictive and mean — in short, everyone one wants in a pop song. Fuck Tay-Tay, fuck Ri-Ri, fuck Brit-Brit, fuck everyone and everything: for at least three minutes, Charli XCX is standing on the pile cackling maniacally, and it’s a beautiful thing.
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