Holy shit! I was definitely just on the Deep Ellum patio the other day complaining that I wanted for August was some sorta fucked mash-up parody of Azealia Banks’ “212,” “Mass Text” by Tay Allen, and Scissor Sisters’ “Let’s Have a Kiki.” But, you know, with the cross-dressing, sassy flair of Kelly’s “Shoes.”
And by god, it has arrived.
Check out “Just Text Me” by Keisha featuring Brandi, and rest easy knowing the music video trend of sidekicks just nodding to the beat while standing up against a wall didn’t go away with Lazy J. No, it’s not Ke$ha, and it’s not Brandy. But we feel like K-Dolla would be proud.
At the very least, “Just Text Me” is already infinitely better than “Mass Text,” and we don’t even need to host a Vanya Challenge to prove it. Our only complaint is that it’s only just over two minutes long. Gawd, Keisha coulda just texted us.
All rightful praise be to writer and producer Nicola Foti. DL the song via Bandcamp once you’re tired of watching the video.
Lyrics:
Hello? Oh, you wanted to know if we could get dinner tomorrow night. No, it’s just because it was a phone call and not a text I thought it would be much more important than that but okay. Yeah you should’ve just text me.
Yeah, you call me and it’s dumb
I don’t understand, did you lose function of your thumbs?
Is it really that vital
That you had to call to let me know that TV show title?
I mean you could’ve just texted it
Typed it, sent it, read the “k” and then just exited
Instead you like the complication
Of a poorly timed, half silent, pointless conversation
Why didn’t you text me
Why didn’t you just text me
Why didn’t you text me
WHY DIDN’T YOU EFFING TEXT ME
This isn’t 1929
Alexander Graham Bell with his stupid land line
You don’t see it as a sign
That you’re the only one that calls me
And at the worst times
So you call me on my birthday
And I mean that’s nice and all but were the minutes really worth it?
Should I just cut off your service?
You deserve it.
B: Hey girlie!
K: Hey. What?
B: Nothing I was just wondering what time you’re coming over later!
K: Oh are your text messages not working?
B: No, they’re working. What do you mean??
K: No, it’s just that you’ve already wasted almost a minute of my time when I could’ve been doing something else. Like I could’ve responded with a single number. That’s it. 8. Like, That’s all you need to know.
B: Okay I’ll see you at 8 then!
K: No, OMG you’re missing my point
Why didn’t you text me
Why didn’t you just text me
Why didn’t you text me
WHY DIDN’T YOU EFFING TEXT ME
So I’m about to go get coffee
A double-shot quarenta mocha latte with toffee
And I decide to be nice
I text you asking if you want a drink, hot or iced
And you have the audacity
To call me instead, like what’s your mental capacity?
5?
Are you serious right now?
Ummm I’ll get a coconut milk tea
UGH I’m gonna punch you in the face
You’re the bane of my existence and the whole human race
Basc
(that’s an abbreve for basically)
You need to get with the times or I’m outtie seriously
You did ask for the T
I hope you gulped it down
Cuz you were definitely thirsty
For a reading that is
On second thought, you probably don’t even know what that means
Wait, so, are you gonna get my drink or not?
Are two brain cells all you’ve got?
Honey, you know how this could’ve been avoided?
If I got a coffee 🙁
I’m done.
