Hey betch, Kelly is back and she wants you to wear a mask

Photo Credit: Liam Kyle Sullivan

Only true heads know this, but aside from Kelly Clarkson’s “Since U Been Gone”, probably the most culturally relevant song of the 2000s was “Shoes”, a thumping electroclash banger stomped out by a singular-nomenclature artist named Kelly. Well, actually betch, Kelly was the creation of comedian Liam Kyle Sullivan, and “Shoes” was a true rebellious anthem of a young misfit outcast by her family and driven for an uncontrollable consumerist lust for shoes. It resonated.

Suddenly, in the midst of maybe the worst time to be alive since feet began to be covered, Kelly is back. And she’s telling us all to wear a mask. Shoes cover our feet, and masks cover our mouths and noses. It’s all so simple.

Yesterday (September 1), Sullivan spontaneously resurfaced with “Masks”, his first new YouTube video in seven years, and it finds Kelly on a video call with her parents — her father is now apologetic and sincere, her mom still a pain in the ass. After some spirited meanness from her mom, played by Pam Cook, Kelly storms off to head outside, and starts up her beat-driven deadpan mantra about the importance of wearing a mask. Mom’s not pleased. Oh well, whatever.

And of course, just like in “Shoes” — some masks rule, and some masks suck.

“Listen, betches, research shows that masks can block the majority of particles that could contain SARS-CoV-2, so… let’s wear a mask!” Kelly writes. “And be sure to wash your cloth mask after each use if possible. The CDC says so, DECK! Even though this may piss off my mom, we’re donating a portion of the revenue generated from this video to Doctors Without Borders, to help in their fight. It’s great to see you all! Stay safe and let’s keep caring about each other!”

Not much could salvage this shitshow of a year, but this is a good start. And if you still down’t want to wear a mask out in public, well, then, up yours.