Bay Area writer David Thorpe tends to get passionate responses to his dirty work. After all, this is a man who conspired to send Pitbull to Alaska, then joined the singer in Kodiak Island after his crusade was an unexpected success. Long before Thorpe joined the Boston Phoenix (RIP), he wrote for Something Awful, and was a master at explaining why Your Band Sucks.
A few times, he took at stab (not literally) at Tool — and still, to this day, gets angry hate mail from the prog rock band’s fans. This shit was 10 years ago, but Tool supporters still send vitriol Thorpe’s way. The internet is forever.
Thorpe got this email just yesterday, and allowed us to re-post it below. Why? Because our headline reads like something from the Onion.
Actual email from a Tool fan
From: mark van der westhuizen
Subject: Divinity Beckons
This is normally the appropriate space to insert a greeting of some kind, usually to indicate respect to the person you are addressing. (Not for you, as I have none)
On to the message then:
Not out of anger or spite, but I address you as teacher who would address an incompetent student who refuses to listen. It would be pointless to try and make you understand that which you cannot see. That which is far more than often right in front of you. Staring you in the face like a cheap imitation of yourself through a shiny surface. “Notice through not (in)” as he explains the clues which you cant seem to grasp in your lacking, once more.
To what you now use as a tool to hoist yourself upon your platform of simplicity and deconstruction. You neglect to speak about the issue you try to bring to light, to understanding. Those elements you cant seem to put back in order again once they are taken apart. What you say cannot be applied objectively as this is subjective in nature, as is the perception from which you apply this violence.
As I said earlier, explaining the point would be redundant. Akin to making native americans see a vessel floating on the water. But if you aren’t going to try and understand, expand your intuition or try and see things from “duallistic” perspectives, then you need to shut your @#$&^%^$ mouth about shit you don’t even understand or comprehend. Stand and look up from your fictitious platform of constructed illusion and know that just above you lies the madness which you cannot fathom. The only thing that is real and assured in all of existence is that which you cannot even grasp.
Out of pity I give you this advice D.O.C.
Somewhere in your life you will look back at this experience you call comprehension and think to yourself: “Oh God, I have made a huge mistake!” I have been too ignorant in my understanding of knowledge and meaning and have now neglected that which has been true all along. And sadly, for you, by then it would have been too late.
In future oh sad and pitiful doctor, try and leave the real thinking to those who can think with their minds. Instead of complaining as to why you don’t understand meaning in madness. All you are doing is stating that you do not know what your’re trying to argue and you cant seem to comprehend why this thing doesn’t make sense to you even though you experience it but cant put it into cognition.
For all I know, I might even be talking to Maynard himself, trying to disprove a notion which would make more sense than you trying to do otherwise.
In future, just kill yourself before you try and tear down that which you cant construct.